The Feeling

The Feeling... the urge
the horror and fear
little yet deathly bugs
devouring the gardens
Of my already abandoned sanity.

Listen... the drops of my own guilt
tap one by one
in a puddle of past fears
Why?! WHY MUST YOU DO THIS?!!!

And i believe myself
Time and rain will wash all away
But im soaked, im cold, im scared
everything is unmoving
on the storm inside my head

The springs... The beautiful flowerin bloom
The Summers..the warm breeze of the sea
The autumn...Swirls of fire in my mind
The winter...Engulfed by the Feeling, the awareness of my own Un-reality.

Yet i stay here
Victim of my own lies
Prettending i dont see anything
Prettending there is no one else
too Perfect to face a truth
beyond my very own understanding.

Holding a very hypocrite Existence
Creating wall to demolish with my own desperate nails
To realize this, motionless, in this room
Just The Feeling and Me.

Rain, Rain

"Rain"

Take a photograph,
It'll be the last,
Not a dollar or a crowd could ever keep me here,

I don't have a past
I just have a chance,
Not a family or honest plea remains to say,

Rain, rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Is it you I want or just the notion
Of a heart to wrap around so I can find my way around?

Safe to say from here,
You're getting closer now,
We are never sad 'cause we are not allowed to be

Rain, rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Rain, rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

To lie here under you,
Is all that I could ever do,
To lie here under you is all,
To lie here under you is all that i could ever do,
To lie here under you is all,

Rain, rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Rain, rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun,
All the world is waiting for the sun,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

fireflies

Lights....
Fireflies at dusk dance in front of me, they flash and die like small dreamy shooting stars on my moms farm...
Drops...
The faint Rain of August Reminds me... of cute smiles and joyful dances in the wood
Melody...
Music reaches my ears as the cold wetness in my shirt make me shiver
Memories
Almost deft memories sudenly come back to me, as the nostalgic me tries to speak up in the sea of voices inside my head

In my country you are never sure what season is it. They say fireflies go out on summer. According to this little bugs facts they shine in one way looking for a mate of the same species to look at them... and flash back at them. But at the same time protecting themselves of predators.

I remember how much i loved them as a kid, i would stay out after sunfall disobeying my grandmother orders of comming home to dinner, just to keep hunting them. I used to jump in the grass like a cat hunting a bird, though i never harmed them. i caught them in my hands and then peeked between my fingers. if they lit i let them go, and catch another one--- if they didnt... i waited patiently until they actually flashed. Sometimes one refused to lit so i went home and placed it somewhere in my room. when the lights were off i kept my eyes open to see if they finally flashed. Most of the time they did, so i caught them again and go to the kitchen window that faced the backyard. There.. i let it free.

There was a time... i would say 10 years or so... when i forgot that some memories ever existed, my head unrightfully deleted those beautiful scenes of gardens full with blooming flowers in bright colors and the sunsets i watched eating green mangoes in the mango tree in front of my grandmother house. When i got home from school, took off my uniform and without even lunching rode my bike as fast as i could in the hills nearby. then i would be scared of returning home because my grandma was waiting for my really pissed and worried that i dissapeared so many hours. As well the long walks i made with Nicolas, my beloved dog. I remember now not walking with it, but hiking after a while. we went deep in the mountain, then sit in a field witha lot of white star shaped flowers and yellow little buds. Of course whati liked the most was the orange and black butterflies that flew in that meadow. Those days i hurried back home before sunset because the forest looked really scary after night. Sometimes when it was too late i ran as fast as i could when i heard night bugs or owls make sounds, but i had my dog with me so that relaxed me a little. Sometimes when i got back home my grandmother was going out to walk, so i just put on a sweater and joined her, i remember i took with me as many botlle caps as possible in those walks, She walked a hill, on one side there were a few houses, so i whent up the hilland placed a bottle cap in the running water on the side of the street. I loved to race the bottle cap in the water as it rushed down, on the bottom of theh ill that water ran into a sewer, there i bid farewell to my racing bottle cap, went up the hill and did it again with a new bottle caps. There where times when i run out of caps so i would use flowers or leaves. there were a lot of grassland and trees, Guayaba trees to be exactly, when it was guayaba season i watched my grandma go up and down th ehill many times in her walk, while i was stuffing myself in the trees eating wild guayabas, as well watching the horses and cows in the grassland.Oh the horses, cows, and goats!! my family never had big animals but the neighbor did.His name was Antonio. Every one called Him Toño Mesen. He was an old man,with white hair and a little bit of beard, he used boots all the time. I remember i sat on the street watching him milk the cows and goats, i was courious because i was like a cat, i loved milk so much that i got sick one day and the doctor told me no more than 2 glasses of milk per day. i was drinking a whole box per day.so i had to quit it. And i stood watching him milk the cows and goats for hours. The wife of Toño, whose name i cat remember was a nice woman, as well always smiling used flower dresses that made her look like a sausage because she was quite the robust woman, yet very gentle. Used short hair kind of the grandma cliche. She sometimes gave me a bucket and told me i could try. of course it was a mess, they laughted at me so much because i never got the chance to aim the milk into the bucket, yet i had fun too. He as well let me ride horses so on weekend i just picked my favorite horse, put a chair on it and went to the hills. That was so many years ago so instaed of cars sometimes you actually saw horses in the street. I loved to pet the cows in the back and the goats between the horns, as well to feed the horses with fresh grass and then touch their damp noses.

All this memories of me.... where gone for so many time. Maybe my head was trying to protect me of being nostalgic, A couple of years ago i saw fireflies again after so many years yet my head was distracted with a ephemeral, fleeting feeling i might have confused with true love.Last year i saw again fireflies in the mountain. I was with my friend isaac and i was drunk in a lost love depression so i remembered the fireflies of the previous year, the lie and everything i had gone through.Tonight i saw fireflies again and all those memories hit my head and overwelmed me. I was in my mothers house with my grandparents and my boyfriend, sudenly i realized the wrinkles in my grandparents face. I felt like i lot 10 years of my life, where was i all those years..... The time it had been, the fact that my grandfather said: Before, times were better, simpler yet beautifuler.My boyfriend had on the cellphone Flames by a band named VAST playing
"Close your eyes,
Let me touch you now.
Let me give you something
That is real"
The nigh was a little chill but i stood watching the fireflies with amazement, sorrow, nostalgic, coldness and even a little bit of sadness. I looked at him and kissed him, i was really sad but is not the kind of sadness that depress you, its the sadness of suddenly realizing and feeling beauty in everything, perfection in a kiss, in a little bug flying, in the night itself. I guess i could say Today was my first Kiss. Im awake, im aware, i felt the beauty of life. I felt a little bit down, knowing even for myself there were no words to use to comunicate this feeling to him. He told me i had talents... in arts, that i could be big... and i thought to myself if i could express correctly what i just discovered today i would create something as beautiful as the stars themselves. But he didnt seem to realizeeither... because he changed the song to " My Tv and you" and a few minutes later went inside because he was freezing. I just played along, as always, this beautiful nostalgic is something i will keep in and to myself alone.

Im no artist to share my art with the world...this is because i dont know what my art is yet...

hearlfeld lies

i walk by the rivers edge
skipping smooth wet stones
& watching them sink

i never was a fan of innocence
ive got two black eyes
& an empty fifth of gin

& i see im wrong for you
but we tried
you swear im hard to lay beside
if i was you i'd run from me most nights
maybe i was meant to be left behind

thundering circumstances
beyond our control rumble in
counting time by the lines 'round your eyes
as your gentle caress helps me forget

Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com 
& i think its time to say good night
& you swear im hard to lay beside
now years seem to pass as we blink our eyes
maybe i was meant to be left behind
by all of our heartfelt lies
all of our heartfelt lies (x2)
are not enough this time

& i see i'd love to spend the night
but you found someone else to lay beside
& i know it makes sense
but its like sand in my eyes
maybe i was meant to be left behind

argentina

Lyrics to Don't Cry For Me Argentina (Evita) :

It won't be easy
You'll think it strange
When I try to explain how I feel
That I still need your love
After ll that I've done
You won't believe me
All you will see
Is a girl you once knew
Although she's dressd up to the nines
At sixes and sevens with you

I had to let it happen
I had to change
Couldn't stay all my life down at heel
Looking out of the window
Staying out of the sun
So I chose freedom
Running around trying everything new
But nothing impressed me at all
I never expected it too

Don't cry for me Argentina
The truth is I never left you
All through my wild days
My mad existence
I kept my promise
Don't keep your distance

And as for fortune and as for fame
I never invited them in
Though it seemed to the world
They were all I desired
They are illusions
They're not the solutions
They promise to be
The answer was here all the time
I love you and hope you love me

Don't cry for me Argentina

Don't cry for me Argentina
The truth is I never left you
All through my wild days
My mad existence
I kept my promise
Don't keep your distance

Have I said to much?
There's nothing more I can think of to say to you
But all you have to do
Is look at me to know
That every word is true

stjerner mystiske

Night above the forest 
Through dusty moonlight 
He, a crystal sheep 
Come falling with grace

Embrace like a snake 
Trace through my silk nape 
Kiss to my fate 
Fulfill my desires

Shadows and lying blue dolls 
Make thee much delighted


Come to me 
Call thy name 
“stjerner mystiske”

Bite off a ripe clove 
Undress my red corset 
Wander the castle 
Till we’re one again


Pillows and wallow pleasure 
Tell me how do you dream 
To be a bird? 
Most certainly

Take me where dreams fill darkness

Shadows and lying blue dolls 
Bring thee much rejoices

Right indeed 
Time for peace

Call thy name 
“stjerner mystiske”

numb

I am sure you have heard of incidents where people walked home with major injuries, burns, or fractures, unaware of how bad the body was damaged.  Soldiers, with severed limbs, have remained at the front for hours on end without feeling the pain.  Numbness is a built-in survival mechanism, perfected over hundreds of thousands of years.  The loss of a partner is equally a matter of life and death, threatening our own existence, and invoking our defenses for survival.  So the numbness, the inability to feel pain at that moment, enables us to deal with the crisis and gather our forces.  The body produces endorphins, a natural morphine to enable us bear those pains and make them manageable.  When the pain is unmanageable or too intense to bear, we stop feeling the pain.  Numbness is nature's way of buffering pain, this is true for physical as well as emotional pain.  In the case of severe "emotional injury," or shock, a psychological numbness occurs. 
 Many people, when they first hear the news of a loved one's death, they are stunned, unable to cry or feel the pain.  They are too "dumbfounded" to fully fathom the impact of the loss.  Most people are stunned as if  they are unable to grasp the reality and the meaning of the news.  They have heard the words but not the message .  Survivors have been heard to say, "I just couldn't take it all in," "I couldn't believe it," "It was like I was in a dream.  It didn't seem real."  Many times, you hear, "I can't believe he(or she)is dead."  The bereaved may find themselves performing the daily routines "like an automaton."  In intense pain, we are likely to "dissociate," that means, in a manner, stepping away from ourselves, so we don't feel the pain from too close a point.  As a result of such a dissociation, we may not be fully thinking, seeing, hearing, or feeling everything. 
 Numbing does not prevail for ever.  It starts receding slowly, like opening the inlets a little bit at a time, so we don't get flooded.  However, in this state of psychological numbness, there is a general feeling of tension and apprehension.  If there is a calm, it is an "uneasy calm."  The uneasy calm, may be broken at any moment by sudden outbursts of extreme sorrow, anger, anguish and rage as the bereaved moves to other stages.  At times, survivors experience an overwhelming feeling of panic in which the loneliness becomes unbearable.  Occasionally, the survivor may have gales of laughter without reason or feel sudden elation in an imagined experience of reunion with the lost person.  The survivor either feels compelled to seek the presence of friends and relatives or completely shun the presence of others. 
 The natural process of numbing is temporary and is meant to last for a few hours to a few days.  It should then give way to the realization of the loss and the attendant pain.  Pain must be felt in order for a person to get over the pain and to take actions required to adapt to the loss.  Medication is often prescribed by the doctors to sedate the survivor who is experiencing extreme distress.  The danger of oversedation with medication or use of medication over an extended period is that it prolongs the psychological numbing and dulling of senses.  Any progress in grief work is likely to be delayed when the survivor is medicated.  

noche de estrellas

el cielo esta de fiesta esta noche
las estrellas caen a mi alrededor
el frio me penetra por los poros
no se va, no desaparece mi dolor

el aire empuja las lagrimas
al cesped humedo de rocio
este sentimiento me ahoga
el saber de mi corazon vacio

la noche pasa tranquila
las memorias no me dejan vivir
me arde el pecho se congelan mis adentros
por una promesa que nunca va a morir

las estrellas nacen y mueren
todo tiene su final
porque nuestro cuento de hadas
tuvo este final tan fatal?

mi deseo en esta noche de estrellas
quiero ser honesta quiero sonreir
pero mas que nada
quiero verte a mi venir

quiero

Llueve en mi ventana
el viento sopla con inquieta violencia
aqui no hay nada
4 paredes que impiden al frio pasar

Quiero un lugar al cual regresar
quiero un hogar
no una fria casa con paredes y ventanas
un lugar donde tu vayas a estar

 quiero no calor de una chimenea
 quiero no el calor de los brazos ajenos
 quiero no el cobijo de el concreto
quiero tu corazon cerca del mio

quiero tus brazos como mi cobijo
quiero regresar al final del dia y verte ahi
quiero no sentir este abandono
quiero no sentir este dolor

Quiero que estes a mi lado
quiero tu respiracion como mi arullo
quiero que esta pesadilla acabe
te quiero a ti

Oku

Valiente dragon de hielo

Guerrero y fiel amante
leal a un amor que no muere
aun que pasen los siglos


Quien soy yo
si no una mortal
para aspirar 
la compania y proteccion de tus alas


Que paso con la dulce doncella
que conquisto tu corazon
su alma vaga entre nosotros 
en busca de tu gelida piel


quien soy yo 
si no una mortal
para aspirar 
servirle de materia para su reunion 


Recuerdo la similitud que tu memoria
solia decir que teniamos
la dulce doncella de tu pasado
y yo, siendo simplemente yo


quien soy yo 
si no una mortal
para aspirar
a que me mires como a ella


No es real 
el mundo que pintas a mis ojos nunca lo fue 
pero aun asi 
tu presencia aun queda aqui


Quien soy yo
si no una mortal
para aspirar 
ser objeto de inspiracion.

Vanessa

Ella es Vanessa

Su chaqueta Roja

Resalta entre las luces

De la ciudad de las flores.

Con mirada fija en su camino

Pero sin lugar a donde ir

Ni donde Esconder su dolor

Ella es  Vanessa

Sus tacones de stiletto

Arañan la acera

Mientras camina sin rumbo

Se detiene en su esquina

Con su falda de mezclilla deshilachada

Y la noche comienza

Ella es Vanessa

Coquetea monótonamente

Esperando otro bastardo

Que alimente su ego en ella

Con nausea en su garganta

Lo besa respirando pesadamente

¿Cuándo fue la última vez que beso por amor?

Ella es Vanessa

Con solo su Violada dulzura

Cubriéndole el cuerpo

En la misma sucia y conocida habitación

Con su botella de Vodka en la mano

Con un cigarrillo manchado de Lápiz Labial

Y un asco que no la deja en paz

Ella es Vanessa

En el mismo bar cada noche

Ahogándose entre pesados piropos

Y una atmosfera adictiva

Una mirada perdida

Un corazón frió

Pero aun respirando.

Ella es Vanessa

Maltrato y abandono propio

Resentimiento y odio al mundo

Por un sentimiento que la empacha

Por una necesidad de inconsciencia

Por un amor que no puede vivir

Por un amor que no se deja morir

Ella es Vanessa

Canta tristes blues en la esquina

Del bar de la ciudad

Con poco interés por cubrir su resentimiento

Derrocha su talento

Entre masas sucias

Despojos de civilización

Ella es Vanessa

Un manojo de sueños Rotos

E ilusiones violadas

Un corazón pisoteado

Palabras que jamás se articularon

Cenizas de un pasado

Y sentimientos en inercia.

Ella es Vanessa

Sangra cada noche

Promesas rotas

Un anillo

Que jamás cumplió su propósito.

Una propuesta

Que para El acabo, ella aun espera

Atardecer

El sol se esconde

Se pone en el cielo

Tiñendo las nubes

De rojos carmesí

Una lluvia de rubíes

Y la amenaza de una oscuridad

Que tardara en retirarse

El cielo sangra

Se rompe en mil pedazos

Y cae sobre mí

En un río de vino y lágrimas

Pequeños fragmentos de memoria

Reflejan el filo del cuchillo

Apuñalando corazones con placer

Un selectivo Apocalipsis

Sentido por solo unas almas

Que aun no se dejan morir

Viven en Una memoria de mejillas

Cariñosamente sonrojadas

Quien diría que rojo

Era el color de su deseo de matar?

Escapan gotas rosadas de sentimientos

A través de cada atardecer en mi piel

No se van, no se desvanece

Y el frió Nubla la visión

hasta convertirlo  En una tormenta

Dentro de los arañados muros

De la cuidad en llamas

Cae la tarde

Cae el crepusculo

Cae la utopia

Se rompen los cristales

El viento sopla con afilada brisa

Que acompaña esta soledad

Es solo un atardecer mas en mi mente.

My first official song for guitar (post the video playing it later on) "Never"

Never meant to say hello
that night in that park
never ment to tell you my name
but i did but i did oh i regret

Never meant to run in the rain
it was a childish game
Now the drops pierce my skin
shouting your name from within

Never meant to kiss those lips
Why God why you do this to me?!
take away the person i decided xpend my life with
Taking away my dreams

Never meant to say hello

that night in that park

never ment to tell you my name 

but i did but i did oh i regret 

Never meant to share my fantasy
of a small house with big gardens and trees
With a grandkid or too around
Sharing memories, oh my stolen memories!

Never meant to say Good bye
How can two words break myself insane???
not comming back, he is not coming back.
im not gonna sleep in his night tonigh...

callejero

No quiero tu perdon
no me disculpo por el amor que te tuve
no me detengo ante nada
te ofreci todo
No pude sellar nuestro destino
quien ha podido
pequeño colibri?
tu no tienes corazon

Eres como un gato
Maullas suavemente por atencion
quien no ha de darte lo que pides?
ignorando lo pardo de tu piel
no necesitas andar entre tejados
bajas con la cola en alto, tomas lo que quieres
y nadie te dira lo contrario
Solo espero que cuando llegue la hora
por lo menos sepas cazar un raton.
Y no morir de hambre
como animal callejero

Que el peso de mil maldiciones pasadas
Se alijere al saber que aun que no has hecho
mas mal que a mi en tu vida
no hay odio, pequeño felino, Solo pequeños fragmentos
Color fuego. Agresivos y frios
pero aun asi. no pierden la escencia de amor
hacia lo que fue un hombre.

Poema al Amor

Con aquel bello lugar

Jamas dejare de soñar

Ahí donde no puedo llegar

Ahí donde quiero regresar

Aquí es ahora donde debo estar

Prisionera de mi propio malestar

Donde el dolor se hace sentir y escuchar

Donde vagamente mi pasado logro recordar

Donde ya del viento ya no se oye ni el ulular…

En la oscuridad tataol yo he de estar

La vida la mia tan a la deriva en la mar

Si pudiera cambiar mis errores al pasado regresar

Para volver ahí, donde yo puedo amar

Maldigo al silencioso viento y su cantar

Incluso al silencio del pensar

Estar viva sin ti...lo empiezo a dudar

Deseo que alguien me pudiese matar

Jamas vas a enfrentar

Lo que te he de rogar

Vete, ,lejos,me has de nuevo abandonar

Hazlo, no me hagas llorar

No quiero que mis lagrimas vayas a mirar

Ni mi corazon despedazar

Solo vete, dejame sola en la mar

A la deriva estare bien, no te pongas a pensar

Yo te lo pido me tienes que dejar

Atrás , hacia atrás no vayas a mirar

De mi te debes olvidar

Vete vete ya no te vayas a quejar

Jamas te podré odiar

Yo mucho te llegue a apreciar

El por que no me lo vayas a preguntar…

Sola yo quiero morir

Vete, si me ves me voy a arepentir

Dejame mi deseo cumplir

Yo se, no me quieres no lo tienes que decir

Yo te aprecio pero mi alma es incapaz de sentir

Un monstruo.. sin amor, sin odio debe morir

Por mi… tu debes vivir

Adonde voy? Al mismo infierno voy a ir

Regresar? Jamas, ahí ahora yo voy a sufrir

Prefiero estar ahí, pagando por los pecados del vivir

Tranquilo, mi muerte será fácil,solo dormir…

Ambos queremos estar alla, donde se podia correr

Sin presiones del saber

Solo nosotros, sin nadie mas que ver

Pero sabes que no se puede hacer

Tu ve alla, tu puedes volver

Yo aquí he de permanecer…

Amor, sentimiento te Aborrezco

No me sigas mientras de su vida desaparezco

Renuncio a ti 

Alejate de mi...

Frio

La noche trae el silencio 

con ella el dulce arrullo del viento

nocturna, un dolor que no sana

un frió que no desaparece

sudo cristales de hielo

atraves de los poros

queda el abrigo de mis brazos

para escudarme de tu recuerdo

No es una sensación de ambiente 

me acompaña donde quiera que voy

tener la lluvia empapándome la ropa

dentro de esa oscura habitación

Gritos gentilmente ahogados

entre ojos llorosos y labios cerrados

Y cada noche, el frió regresa a por mi

Nace, Helando me desde mis adentros

Azulando mis manos, Cristalizando corazones

Estática, Soy un bloque de hielo

Inmóvil, defensiva, casi inerte.

Sonrisas construidas con inercia

en esta tormenta

en el frio que no me abandona 

Canibal

Me devora

se deleita con la delicia de mi escencia

muerde ferozmente la carne

roe el hueso

no deja despojos

Persigue cada noche

me atormenta

me desgarra el alma

se regosija de mi dolor

le divierten los juegos mentales

Soy un cuerpo

con sangre latente que desea

con carne que le tienta

con alma que le llama

soy su presa

Es un juego

huyo Sangrante

trato de alejarme con lagrimas en los ojos

 pero soy Prisionera

Soy el alimento del Canibal d tu memoria

ojos color del trigo

Ojos color de trigo

que lloran por la ausencia del ser amado

que miran con tristeza alrededor

que dirijen la vista al horizonte

que guardan tanto dolor

Ojos color trigo

que brillan en soledad

que miran sin esperanza

que contemplan las estrellas

que esconden los sueños rotos

Ojos color trigo

que observan con indiferencia

que esperan fielmente

que se cierran por miedo

que se dejan caer en el abandono

Ojos color trigo

que tuvieron el mundo frente a ellos

que vieron el atardecer de la utopia

que callaron mientras el ser amado se alejaba

que reflejaron el grito agudo de un corazon roto

Ojos color trigo

que mienten dia a dia

que se ocultan tras una sonrisa

que se agitan de mirada por el frio

que se mueren lentamente

Ojos color trigo

que pierden vida poco a poco

que no se rinden ante una guerra perdida

que aman con locura

que se aferran a un sentimiento muerto

Ojos color trigo

Ojos color trigo

Ojos color trigo

Mis ojos color trigo.

Puerto Viejo

Apesar del cansancio de las horas de viaje
escuchando historiAS de alrededor del mundo
por un momento viajo en sus historias
caminando a travez de las olas
solo par OLvidar tu memoria

Las olas colapsan suavemente
contra las piedras que rodean la costa
el sol se pone en el horizonte
el aire salado enmaraña mi pelo
que se aclara con el contacto del sol

Camino por la costa de un oceano verde
que trae caracoles y cangrejos a la orilla
susurrando estribillos de canciones
mientras el mar mece suavemente el tronco
en el que me sente para llorar tu ausencia

No hay nada que este paraiso tenga
que me obligue a recordarte
sin embargo esta soledad
ni siquiera las suaves olas de puerto viejo
son capaces de lavar de mi mente

En la noche en el mar se reflejan
millones de estrellas
que bailan con la tenue luz de una fogata
a la orilla de la playa
cuando la arena rosa mi piel

he decidido viajar
para honrar tu memoria en mi pasado
los amantes que jamas se vieron a la cara
las mentiras dichas por una fria noche
y un Puerto Viejo que es mi testigo

the link

I have been told beautiful things
but i was told
as b day present
the most beautiful thing i have ever seen
thank you my friend.


"I’ve know you for a long time now, and I know you very well, specially, because I know myself. I can see myself in you, or at least the shadow of what I used to be. I know your heart is broken and aching, because my heart is broken too. It’s been broken for a long time. I know what it is like not being able to forget someone, not being able to stop wanting that person anymore. To stop viciously fantasizing with the taste of her lips kissing yours. Not being able to cleanse your heart from a non returned lover. Having to deal with rejection, and surrendering to melancholic inertia. It’s like falling in love with a mythical creature, one that does not really exist, and will never be able to even speak to you with real words.

I know sometimes in the night you look for something in the darkness, something you are not able to find between your empty cold sheets, and so you cry instead of sleeping, you fear instead of dreaming. Those long lonely nights torturing you with memories, and “what if?”s and “what will be?”s, tearing your heart in solitude and emptiness.

I know that sometimes when you smile, a drop of pain struggles to wipe your smile away, and you have to fight to keep smiling among your friends.

I know what it is like to love your friends with all your heart, because their the only reason keeping you away from completely falling apart, locking yourself up in your messy bedroom, hiding from the world until everything just ends. But you don’t want to depend on them either, and there’s so many things you hide from them, just to not make them worry for you. Just to give them some peace of mind.

I know sometimes your forced to be somebody else, because your mind cant handle so much within one single personality, and sometimes its humiliating, and anguishing to be considered a faker or mentally ill by those who will never understand the odd experiences of a tormented mind. I understand what it is like to be left alone with your own mind playing tricks on you, your own mind as your enemy, trying to crack you up. I know how it is like to be agonizing in silence, hating yourself, the reflection on the mirror, that mimic you can barely recognize, blaming yourself for not being good enough to rise upon the others, not being good enough for the one you love, not being good enough for yourself. I know what it is like to feel like a soul that will never belong to a world that feeds with hate, a world with no place for those who are different. Those who think live and love differently than the great human mass. The human hatters, pointing their fingers at you, laughing, fighting, trying to push you against the corner, trying to make you look miserable, week, and depressed, so they can feed their insecure dried up hearts with your misery, as their pleasure is your pain. I know the feeling of not belonging to anything anymore, to have your dreams taken from you. To have nothing else to look up for in this life. The hope of someday becoming a lonely star at the very end of our galaxy, to create our own worlds, with our own rules.

I wish I could have something better to say, something encouraging and positive, but the only thing I can say is that I will always share your pain.

I know you very well, I know you, because I know myself, and we will always share a special link.

I will never forget you, please, don’t forget me."

By L30