insomniac´s monologue

maybe is baceuse i am in a VERY bad mood now
because i have not eaten since sunday
or sleept almost anything
maybe because i have a lot of stress going around lately
or maybe it is what it is
IM SICK AND TIRED
of keeping silence
or being always wearing that fake smile!!
everyday jsut jumping and going around
smiling trowing kisses candies and flowers to people
as the happiest person alive!
fuck i feel lonely, im scared i feel sick!
i just wait to break this damned chains i imposed to myself
and yell and scream and run under the rain
i wanna take it out of my chest
i promised i would not do something reckless
no more cuts in my skins
no more pills
no more self mutilation
no more burns
im still recovering from my bruises
i still have scars in my wrists
always everyone comes to me with their issues
why do they always come to me!!!
cant they see i cant even face MY issues My life
i cant even put myself together to
i am always fixing other people issues
because i cant even fix mines
i am always giving advise
when i cant even believe what i am saying
I HATE TO HAVE SOMEONE LIKE ROSEMARY IN MY LIFE!
or maybe, just maybe it is me who is in her life
and they say dissociative disorders are not complicated!
im tired to not knowing where i was what was i doing sometimes even what day is it!
im scared of seeing sometimes things so unrealistic they look like dreams
as soon as the dreamer wakes up ill be gone
sometimes all i can do is sit, pretend and watch my life pass by
like if there hands where not even mine
i am just jibbering
even if i tak my medicated pills
i cant sleep they just make everything go slower
im tired of always covering my back
because there is no one i can really entrust
im starving
i wish i could go for something to eat
what for
in this state probably will vomit anyway
but im thirsty
i wish the diphenhydramine didnt make my legs so heavy and clumpsy
my head hurts
and i am already out of ergotamine
fuck i dont want to have a panick attack tonight!
i just want to sleep
no dreams no nightmares
just sleep
i iwsh nights were not this cold
i wish i died and became a guardian angel
but most at all
i wish i wouldnt had to hold myself
because no one is there to hold me then.